Talking to dad

I've been having the strangest dreams lately. At least I think it's lately. It could have been from a while ago and I just keep thinking about it. Either way, it's strange. Really strange.

I've been dreaming that my father came back (he died in 1991 when I was 25) and he hadn't really been dead. He somehow faked it and had actually had a major head injury or accident, the kind that changed your personality, and he stayed away until he recovered enough then came back. He is so different, so not the father I know, that I challenge him constantly on his actual identity. Quiz him, even.

You would think I would be thrilled that he's back, even if not completely "himself". I would finally have my father back, be able to sit down and have real, adult conversations. Ask him questions that I have always wanted to know...about himself, his family, our family/heritage. Questions that only he knows and I was never able to find out. Even sit down over a few drinks and have the "do you remember when I did..." conversations.

I truly regret not being mature enough at 25 to have at least some of those conversations with him. I was too busy being angry, changing, growing, learning about myself. There was so much we didn't share. I have a few major regrets in my life. This is right up there.

Sad, yes. This definitely makes me sad to think about the "what ifs", but the emotion I mostly feel during all this dreaming/thinking is anger. The "why the fuck did you leave?!", "you destroyed my life" anger. Re-mourning? Never actually worked it through and it's popping up again? Facing life changes myself and sad he wasn't there/here?

either way, it's still strange.