Letter to my gyn

Last Friday my gyn called me at home. He tends to call back patients later anyway, but this was late, around 8pm. We talked for over 10 minutes and said a lot to each other. He is an incredibly sweet and gentle man and I think it honestly hurt him when I stopped seeing him.

I also read the letter to Debbie and it blew her away. We haven't really talked much about it all, just kind of left it alone, so much of what I said was a surprise. We haven't talked about it since, but I think the letter says quite enough.


Dear Dr L,

Of course after we hung up the other day I wanted to say more. Why change now?

One reason why I started seeing Dr. P may seem stupid now but it is what it is. After talking to several friends, I realized I had never seen a female gyn. I'd always seen men. As a staunch feminist this seemed strange to me and I wanted to see a woman, just to experience the difference, if any, in care, understanding, or connection. We have had a long, difficult and trusting history but yet I wanted a change. In retrospect, perhaps it was a step away from the fertility process and pain of loss. For whatever reasons, at the time it seemed right. Now it seems silly or escapist, but hey, hindsight being what it is. I also had what perhaps is an unrealistic fear, believing that when I mentioned hysterectomy that you'd somehow try to talk me out of it. Yes, it is an absolute finality to my fertility journey, the last concrete vestige of the process and there’s absolutely no turning back. I do recognize that aspect of it and have and will continue to explore it emotionally and psychologically. At this point, it’s less about that and more a matter of I'm not using it, its causing me pain, and I've got fucking softballs growing. If I wait until menopause, at this rate of growth, they'll be basketball size and excruciating.

And yes, as I said on the phone, a big part of it was scheduling. As you know, my schedule can rival any resident's and is unpredictable to say the least. I generally try to see all my doctors or clinicians on a catch-as-catch-can basis. For obvious reasons, it doesn't always work.

I really do appreciate and treasure the relationship and trust we've developed over the years and it did feel odd seeing someone else. There are not many doctors who will cry with their patients. There was only one time that I really felt uncomfortable, and that was sometime after my second miscarriage. I had said we decided to stop and move on and you said that we weren't done, that I'd be back. It almost felt like you were trying to convince me to continue, not respecting our choice. That angered me. Maybe it was your experience talking, knowing that we would eventually get back to the process, but at the time, I pissed me off. I should have said something then but my grief, anger or whatever prevented me from it.

Naturally I wish circumstances turned out differently and I were holding my child, but I'm not and I'm really ok with it. For whatever the reasons, whomever or whatever made that ultimate decision, it turned out the way it was supposed to. It took a lot for me to reach that acceptance, but I'm there and it’s ok. As much as I can be right now, I’m at peace with it all. I also sincerely want to thank you for all your kindness, caring and support during those years. It meant and means a lot to me. You are one of true treasures in the vast sea of clinicians.

I look forward to our continued professional relationship and whatever friendship may develop in the process.

The date

I finally have a date for my surgery - February 7th. Pass the fentanyl.

Oh, and I figured out that since I'm a lesbian, they're the size of softballs, not oranges.

that is all