I hate mother's day. I've always hated it. It's a Hallmark kind of holiday, filled with images of perfect mothers, happy children, and breakfast in bed. Harriet Nelson, Carol Brady and June whatshername from Leave it to Beaver were mothers deserving of mother's day. I had something this side of Mommy Dearest. It wasn't as physical as that, but the emotional shit was all there. My mother certainly never deserved a Hallmark kind of day. Having no contact with her for the past 6 years has been one of the best decisions I ever made. One of the others was leaving her when I was 13.
Now mother's day takes on a newer, sadder meaning for me. This year is the first year that I know I will never become a mother. Last June we stopped a 6 year rollercoaster of trying to conceive, mixed in with thoughts and hopes of adoption. The medical, financial and hormonal rollercoaster was bad enough, but the emotional journey was heartwrenching. Our adoption journey, well, we were irreparably burned by a so-called friend who promised he knew of a girl who wanted to give up her baby. Needless to say, it was all a lie, but it completely destroyed any hope I had along those lines.
Bottom line is that it was time, for many reasons, to end our journey to motherhood and begin to look forward. I generally don't regret that decision. It still stings, some times worse than others, but I know it was ultimately the right choice for us. Thinking about tomorrow, knowing without a doubt that I will never become a mother, is one of those really bad times.
I have many friends, both in real life and online, who are amazing mothers. Tomorrow I celebrate them but I mourn for myself.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Rats
I am pissed. When the director of interpreting services left 2 weeks ago, there was a major reshuffling of positions and as a result, a new field supervisor position was created. I wasn't sure if I should apply. I admit that I don't meet 100% of the criteria, but I've been a staff interpreter for them the longest. I didn't leave when they changed how we got paid...base salary remained, but overtime/extra work was changed. Hell, I didn't even complain about it. I just sucked it up, did the team thing, and kept going. It has since changed back to the original method (thank you). Call me loyal, but I've been there, not gone and worked part time for The Evil Empire like many others did, and all the while said positive things about the agency. So when this position was announced, I hesitated about applying but finally realized I had a right to the job and submitted my resume. Bert said he wanted to make a decision by the end of this past week, so I knew it wouldn't be dragged out.
I knew at least one other person, M, applied and during the interview, was told that 3 people had submitted their resumes. Ok, so I knew I had competition but was at least hopeful. I knew the one person who applied potentially had more qualifications than I do, but she's such an asshole I didn't think Bert would hire her back. She had been a staff interpreter for a year or two, but when the pay system changed, she refused to work past 4pm and not long after, ran like a rat off a sinking ship. She remained employed per diem, but not full time.
I admit, I've never liked the woman. I respect her interpreting ability, but as a human being, not so much. She's loud, obnoxious, incredibly self-centered and condecending. She's been mentoring interpreting students and teaching ASL for a few years now (a HUGE beef of mine...if you're not Deaf, don't teach the language because you FUCK IT UP), and I don't like how she treats the students she's had. She does drill them and can be a good teacher, but she also belittles them in subtle ways. I'm just very uncomfortable around her and avoid the office as much as possible when I know she's there.
So I go to the office on Thursday afternoon to drop off papers, essentially passing M on the way out, and about 10 minutes later, Lisa, the HR director comes in with papers in her hand and looking for M. There's really only one reason why Lisa would be looking for her...offering her the job. Now both Bonnie and I are sick. Bonnie can't stand her, either. Me, on the other hand, I'm furious, disappointed, heartbroken, disgusted and feeling betrayed. I've worked faithfully for them for 5 years and been a fucking workhorse more times than I can count. I'll stay in the office until 5:30 or later working out a problem if needed and not complaining. I can problem solve and have done troubleshooting for them more times than I can count. Teamwork, HELLO! M gets nasty and pissy if she's frustrated, usually taking it out on Bonnie, and can't handle a difficult situation...and they want to make HER supervisor??
No, I haven't gotten the official "we've chosen another candidate" speech, but I can do the math. I suppose until she actually signs the paper it's still up in the air, but I'm not holding out much hope. At this point, my hope is that the truth will come out during her 90 day probation and he'll have to choose someone else. Even if he chooses the third mystery candidate it won't seem as bad as her...there's something that really irks me about re-hiring a rat after they bailed ship.
I knew at least one other person, M, applied and during the interview, was told that 3 people had submitted their resumes. Ok, so I knew I had competition but was at least hopeful. I knew the one person who applied potentially had more qualifications than I do, but she's such an asshole I didn't think Bert would hire her back. She had been a staff interpreter for a year or two, but when the pay system changed, she refused to work past 4pm and not long after, ran like a rat off a sinking ship. She remained employed per diem, but not full time.
I admit, I've never liked the woman. I respect her interpreting ability, but as a human being, not so much. She's loud, obnoxious, incredibly self-centered and condecending. She's been mentoring interpreting students and teaching ASL for a few years now (a HUGE beef of mine...if you're not Deaf, don't teach the language because you FUCK IT UP), and I don't like how she treats the students she's had. She does drill them and can be a good teacher, but she also belittles them in subtle ways. I'm just very uncomfortable around her and avoid the office as much as possible when I know she's there.
So I go to the office on Thursday afternoon to drop off papers, essentially passing M on the way out, and about 10 minutes later, Lisa, the HR director comes in with papers in her hand and looking for M. There's really only one reason why Lisa would be looking for her...offering her the job. Now both Bonnie and I are sick. Bonnie can't stand her, either. Me, on the other hand, I'm furious, disappointed, heartbroken, disgusted and feeling betrayed. I've worked faithfully for them for 5 years and been a fucking workhorse more times than I can count. I'll stay in the office until 5:30 or later working out a problem if needed and not complaining. I can problem solve and have done troubleshooting for them more times than I can count. Teamwork, HELLO! M gets nasty and pissy if she's frustrated, usually taking it out on Bonnie, and can't handle a difficult situation...and they want to make HER supervisor??
No, I haven't gotten the official "we've chosen another candidate" speech, but I can do the math. I suppose until she actually signs the paper it's still up in the air, but I'm not holding out much hope. At this point, my hope is that the truth will come out during her 90 day probation and he'll have to choose someone else. Even if he chooses the third mystery candidate it won't seem as bad as her...there's something that really irks me about re-hiring a rat after they bailed ship.
spending money
I did it, I bought a new computer and laptop last Sunday. They were both needed, but not necessarily on the same day. Spent lots of money but since I went to a show, I spent a hell of a lot less than I would have if I bought retail. I walked out with an Acer laptop, loaded, for $879 out the door and a new desktop for $499. Yup, works for me. I also used my spanking new laptop for the first time on Tuesday, taking minutes for the Clearwater planning meeting. Hmmm, wonder if I can write it off now.
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