I hate mother's day. I've always hated it. It's a Hallmark kind of holiday, filled with images of perfect mothers, happy children, and breakfast in bed. Harriet Nelson, Carol Brady and June whatshername from Leave it to Beaver were mothers deserving of mother's day. I had something this side of Mommy Dearest. It wasn't as physical as that, but the emotional shit was all there. My mother certainly never deserved a Hallmark kind of day. Having no contact with her for the past 6 years has been one of the best decisions I ever made. One of the others was leaving her when I was 13.
Now mother's day takes on a newer, sadder meaning for me. This year is the first year that I know I will never become a mother. Last June we stopped a 6 year rollercoaster of trying to conceive, mixed in with thoughts and hopes of adoption. The medical, financial and hormonal rollercoaster was bad enough, but the emotional journey was heartwrenching. Our adoption journey, well, we were irreparably burned by a so-called friend who promised he knew of a girl who wanted to give up her baby. Needless to say, it was all a lie, but it completely destroyed any hope I had along those lines.
Bottom line is that it was time, for many reasons, to end our journey to motherhood and begin to look forward. I generally don't regret that decision. It still stings, some times worse than others, but I know it was ultimately the right choice for us. Thinking about tomorrow, knowing without a doubt that I will never become a mother, is one of those really bad times.
I have many friends, both in real life and online, who are amazing mothers. Tomorrow I celebrate them but I mourn for myself.
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1 comment:
You may never become a mother, but you are an amazing person and the world is better for your existence. You've definitely impacted my life in many positive ways.
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